wrong path, dead end, misery.
Posted on: Monday, May 31, 2010
Posted at: 5/31/2010 09:06:00 PM
silly, lazy, idiot, lazy, stupid, lazy, dumb, useless, disgrace.
of course i take it srsly, how can i regard this as a joke
when it makes me feel th worst of the worst ever in my life,
forever recurring.
I know I always, always screw up, and anyone would be angry because i dont seem to get things right at all.
But I still care. Im still putting in effort. Well, somehow.
Just when I thought a little light is shining thru the dark, it disappears abruptly again, w no reason that I can really understand. Perhaps that's why Ive never held my hopes high before. Because it always happens. Like a cycle meant to be repeated over & over again.
Maybe, at the end of the day, only those w potential will outdo the weaker, no matter how much they try. Because they are way better, can grasp things faster.
They can do everything, anything, and be better than those forever struggling even if they do improve.
Because it's obvious to th eye. Because things cannot afford to go wrong due to someone's mistake. Because in th real world, only th best can be used, and that the progress of an individual does not matter if it's not good enough.
soul secrets
Posted on: Sunday, May 30, 2010
Posted at: 5/30/2010 03:33:00 PM
I figured so. Perhaps the heart really wants to at one point, but due to circumstances, the mind does not want to admit so. Stop looking back, w what ifs. There are a million ways to have it done instead, but fact is, it has been done that way. Rather, appreciate.
Just so yknow- went to outside SG's universal studio. Uncle, a steward, said it's standard is not bad. It's surroundings is actly nicer than US, altho it's medium size. ;o
from the heart,
Posted on: Friday, May 28, 2010
Posted at: 5/28/2010 09:03:00 PM
Did you know that I dreamt of you ? It was a family dinner. Flawless one.
Ive been dreaming alot actly, about friends & all.
Am I thinking too much ? :L hah.
I used to really wonder how ppl do it. But not anymore.
I figured when sth like that happens to a loved one, everything just stops. How can it not ?
But I was realising that everything does go on. You get up, have breakfast. You do your job. You come hme, have some dinner, go to sleep. Just like everybody else.
But it's always there. You go on, but you don’t go on. Because there's this weight, that you can feel all th time, like you've got a cinder block sitting on each shoulder, pushing you down, wearing you out, making you wonder whether you'll be able to get up the next day.
And eventually, you do get up. You just do, because you have to. That day, th day after another and th day aft that. With blocks on your shoulder.
Always there.
Maybe all this change is unsettling, messing me up.
Labels: fthew, Linwood b
singapore street style - worldwide
Posted on:
Posted at: 5/28/2010 08:51:00 PM
I kinda like James B.'s blog.
An exposure.
Labels: sss
One fear down,
Posted on: Thursday, May 27, 2010
Posted at: 5/27/2010 09:26:00 PM
Did I mention mum is away to indo for almost a wk ? But it's not much to rejoice about since Im busy and cant take full advantage of that. Hah.Aisyah sleep here. I sleep w 3 pillows + 1 bolster and at night, ill start snatching her pillow somehow, along w the blanket. When I woke up, I realised she took the sofa pillow and wore a jacket. Hahaha.
i) Sports Day:
I didnt know my class would play moonball for the second time so i run in out of nowhere. Then, I stand by myself, hands stretched in front w about 5 2F guys rolling the biggest ball towards me. Luckily, I wasnt rolled over. o.o 2B top for redbull. Me smangat count, haha. Congrats to all winners. (:
So, I ran. Got third, from last. Haha. They were all way infront. Aiya. You may be thinking negative comments since im a netballer and all, but I dont think im really embarrassed ? At least I achieved that sense of achievement for running, which Ive never ever thought I'd do in my life. Still, Idk if I did my best, even if I do, of course I wont win. At the curve there, I started, er, giving up's not the word but you get my point, and I could still do some weird body lang when Clara asked me to chiong, exchanged few words w Syahirah & did th peace sign when they were cheering nearby. While others a re super focused. :x But, thanks for cheering anw. App. (:
ii) 3D Animation @ Sci Centre
It was awesome spending time there w th 9 of us. Went ard w th 2B. The exhibition is kinda amazing because it's beyond our skills, but at the same time boring too. Only diff types. We should have gone out of the exhibition earlier & explored other areas. But well, it was still v fun w them I sppose. ^_^ i dont think i wna take 3D animation aft all. Find it tedious, and troublesome, too detailed.
iii) MYE report book
My CT screwed my overall marks / grades real baddddddd. Position's 100+. Forget that Im in 2B. It's okay it's okay, EOY. I hope the EOY will not be disappointing. Shall take CTs srsly. I aim to get at least 30th position in class, please.
iiii) Debbyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
misses & more misses.
iiiii) June holidays
no travel plans, training 3 or 4 times a wk for 4 wks straight. No outing planned. Ive only plans to fnish up D&T w gd effort, incomplete / overdue hws & study. Bummer. I need to go out someday. Feel free to call me up. Haha. Oh, I think Harita wna go out w me. Hehe.
Idu why ppl wna follow like typing the way others do. Can't they just follow their own style ? Okay, bye. I'd appreciate if you'd just leave a simple tag, thanks.
Me scaredy duck
Posted on: Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Posted at: 5/25/2010 10:15:00 PM
Hey.
Abit about past few days first,
So, shiok ball was no comments. My class was great but they pancet and we had to replace them.
Today was quite fun, actually. Luckily I didnt get frisbeee, I dont like. Taekwondo seems fun, but kinda embarrassing at th same time.
Touch rugby was fun ! Selfdefence wushu was er, interesting. &, I had to do the counter kick to the 17y-old guy instructor and im like o.o haha.
Hmm, this year's making me feel so timid. :B
Okay so, LTC is coming upp. I know camps are fun and all, for bonding and stuff, but, the purpose of camps are not to my delight. Gna be alot alot alot of high thingy. Wow. Didnt do the high element in p5 camp 'cause im sucha freak so yeah, im like preparing emotionally. Like it would benefit anyway. At least, I did the abseiling, but I stopped rock climbing halfway 'cause I realised I was going too high up. :o hahaha. Interesting facts about me, huh ? Not forgetting embarrassing too, but well.
I know, i know ive got a height phobia, any problem ? ):
somemore, quite a number of water activites and i can't like, swim ? D:
Plus, there'll thousands and millions (exaggerating) of lizards. To think at hme, when there's a lizard in the bathroom, Ill run outside, screaming like Ive seen a ghost. Altho it's a v rare sight here.
I knoww I suckkkk. Laugh manymany uh. );
To make it 'worse', sports day is in TWO days. Im still like ___________. *speechless*
My speed is equivalent to Siti's fast jogging speed. Uhhuh. Yeah, I'm v damn pissed w myself, for some reasons which actually affects my mood just now. :/ how can I suck so much ? );
No one wna run so th heroine here will be sacrificing herself & run 400m solo. I didnt run last year, so yeah. My competitors are Sharon, Syafirah, Kimmie etc etc. They're light and superduper fast compared to me + awesome stamina (excellent praising), and here I am, super slow, weak stamina.....
Diediediediediediediediediediediedie ! I already know Ill be the last, but pleaaase, don't make the distance gap so big can ? Th most also 30s diff cannn. Okay that's a big gap too but well. :o Oh god, help. Ill be running, w an idiotic grin on my face.
Kidding.
Well, at least I dont pull out just because I know ill lose, i still got some sportmanship in me okay ! :D Yeay.
My goal is to fnish the race w/o stopping, not w/o jogging while others are sprinting all th way. Hahaha. Loser. So yeah, just get it done and over w. At least, some eg Amanda w her sweet words *grins* will cheer me on, regardless of the obvious results.
But wait, there's still lots and lots of pressure building up in meeeeeee. Just gotto face it, and experience embarrassment. Okay, I dont care about people jeering at me, or my pride, but still, a portion of my waterface will drop.. :o
I guess this year's just putting me through situations which I fear, which Ive never have the courage to participate / experience. & now, Im gna just give it a chance & try. I hope it kinda lessen the fear, and build some positive character. No, maybe show them instead. Hah.
Ikr, im like monolog-ing w myself now, but,
Goooooodluck to you all ! Cheersxz. (:
ABC
Posted on: Saturday, May 22, 2010
Posted at: 5/22/2010 03:20:00 PM
Okaay, now that exams are over, let me just type the results aye ? Altho its like ________.
Eng:
s. writing 20/30
compo 17/30
compre 16/25
summary 17/25
oral havent yet. Took it yesterday and I think I screw the picture discussionxz.
Maths 50%
idk whether i should rejoice on passing or grieveng (haha) on being such a loser in maths even though I can really do th Qs and score 75. Hahaha. At leaaast, I met my tuition teacher's target on the dot !
Sci 64/100
wth, 1 more to B3. #(%*%& kinda surprised for getting 24/30 for A. actually, i kinda improved sci alot. o.o i failed for ct / class test yknow. :D
Geog 69.5/100
0.5 to A2 %&^*&^$%(*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and ppl are getting A1s. My sec C really pulled my awesome A&B. Oh well.
History 63/100
2 more to B3 &(*&^% ):
Lit 63/100
2 more too. ): ):
HMT:
ppr 1
compo 47/70
dialog compo 15/20, same as Dayah ? (:
ppr 2 90/110
only one thing to rejoice about. for getting highest. hah, my mly class small only lah.
overall 77% ONE A1 down.
Homec 79%
improvedd. yeay.
Art A1 - B4. (?)
So, only 2 A1s altho im in 2B. Maybe I score so many Bs 'cause Im in 2B ? k lame. Nvm, im already not aiming for 3A / 3B next year. Altho I think I can, I still dont think I can. On a brighter note, I didnt fail ! (: Anywayyy, be happy comparing w my marks uhh.
Altho of course I think I can score higher since I actually can do the Qs correctly, I take it that I can't do it at that point of time. It's over already, no use whiningg.
Gg to Botak Jones laterrrrrr. Bbye. (:
seconds count
Posted on: Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Posted at: 5/18/2010 06:26:00 PM
Time flies so fast.
Normal routine's gna start its cycle already.
Gathering my courage to endure it, and tmrw.
I hope I wont have super disappointing results.
Sang's gna leave for korea soon, for 1 mth.
Alright, shall put blogging everyday, sometimes more than once a day to a stop.
Hell yeah, Im sure. See you. I hope you'll tag tho.
I love my friends. (insert hearts)
another shitty post
Posted on:
Posted at: 5/18/2010 05:56:00 PM
sorry, but here goes again.
Im sick of you telling ppl behind my back to reason me, or counsel me. You told my cousin too, but hey she supports me instead. Like serious shit, I cant totally forgot everything yknow. Im still leading the same life. If you dont spare a thought for me, then at least think about him, okay. Just reserve a small portion of your mind for us. In his life, he's lost so much, no money, no family. Altho he has hurt you before. At least now you got a new partner to share life tgt. I never rebel now, do I ? I dont show attitude to him. I dont wna call him what you want cause I dont have th courage to. Only one single thing and you go blabbering nonstop. Then what about me ? Mine's gone. All I need really, is your understanding and respect. That simple. Wth are you thinking, really ? Try to put yourself in my shoes. At least TRY to for ONCE. I dont need you to go ard, telling ppl stuff, like im some mental case. Hate it man. I really wna solve all this, but I dont wna approach you or have th courage to tell you this all. Cause in the end, I just know Ill lose. Even if you give in, when I plead and beg, it's because you gave in for the SAKE of giving in but in your heart, you really dont wna do it. I know. Then th next day, you tell me its not right. So, I dont wna RISK anymore tears & inflict more pain. Ive had it yknow. I hate this so much. Isit because its been a year thats why you try to make me forget ? Can you just stop. Cease this all. I hate receiving things now. I dont even have your fcking understanding.
IM SICK OF THIS, OF YOU, OF EVERYTHING SO I DONT GIVE A DAMN. I SHUT MY EARS TO YOU FROM NOW. I DONT LIKE YOU REITERATING ILLOGICAL STUFF THAT DOES NOT DO ANYTHING BUT HURT ME. ^%&*(&^%&^*&(*) i never ever hurl vulgars about you, but im sorry i just did. take it i hurl them because of the situation, but not you. still,
I hope this is th last im posting of this. I dont give a fcuk anymore. Bullshit.
i love, dont hate.
Posted on: Monday, May 17, 2010
Posted at: 5/17/2010 09:17:00 PM
I reflected & could really really relate w The Last Song. ♥♥ Of course minus romance. And siblings and support from youshouldknowwhoalrdy too.
Siti & Syazana say th whole time, Miley reminds them of me. ♥ Isn't it weird ? Aww, im so emotional these days. Ew. (: maybe i should learn some lessons from th movie itself.
Ppl find th movie okay, but i find it awesome.
So v meaningful. ♥
My body's achinggggg so much ! Stupid me never stretch. Too tired mahh. Haha.
I am v v v verryyy sleepy. Slept for 2+ h yest. Somemore had exam, meeting, DTE today. I had stayed in bed for three freaking h from midnight and couldnt sleep.
Onlined fb @ 3am and chatted w Sang Hyun & Hidayah who kept me company. ♥
Tmrw's my last really free day, as I consider it to be.
Gna spend it well, even though it means lazing ard.
But I think Im gg out w Aisyah. Most probablyy.
She's sleeping here btw. ♥
lovelovelove.
you?
i think it pretty much affects me now.
It's been so long. So, why trigger me onlyrecently ? So much.
Go away. Dont hurt me anymore.
But then again, I cant totally erase everything.
Ohyeah, Im leading a life here. Complicated one,
I love NS
Posted on: Sunday, May 16, 2010
Posted at: 5/16/2010 07:39:00 PM
Altho, I plan to watch The Last Song, I JUST realised it stars Miley (altho' I really do not like her, not counting her songs)
&, that the story is adapted from Nicholas Sparks ♥.
Ikr im so v active now. But not soon after this. K, shut up.
hints to stalk me. not.
Posted on:
Posted at: 5/16/2010 03:32:00 PM
"..as long as you forget everything in th past."
Thanks alot mum for spoiling my mood. Yes, im taking every words srsly.
That's.. big. Whoa, everything single thing huh.
Idk what goes thru her mind. I just find it illogical can.
Heck that.
Im bored. Syazana & Dayah wrote awesome post about me, haha prasan. About us, ASS.H to be precise. Gna update you guys on my days spent w them & others aite.
Wed went to Harita's condo. Wanted to use gym but then due to some reasons, we didnt. So jogged along bedok reservoir. At first we jog for 5 mins then stop. Awesome jogging, huh ? Then, jogged back. So I dont think that really trains me. Anw, it was fun. Swing - talk - bathe - KFC - fun & heart to heart convo w Siti.
Thurs ASS.H(squared) - lazy to list studied at my house. In th 293 bus we sat at the elderly seat. It was so so funny. So many things happened. Some are i)dropped & scattered sweets on the floor. ii)siti's water bottle was loose and water spilt. iii) Harita hp dropped under the seat. She didnt take it then had to wait. An old man sat there then and she looked at her hp bending, so ppl thought she was looking at the man's *censored*. Funnily, the man laughed instead & ppl smiled. HAHA. Anw, she mananged to take it at inter.
Fri sorry ASS.H2 for not gg out 'cause it was last day of exam for them. I still have homec. Gna go to sch alone on Mon. Anw, sorryyyy k. Then, met Debby at my house. Was really sleepy but had to sacrifice for her sake, hehe. I miss hanging out at her hse. Aft tht, off to boring tuition.
Saturday shopped, few things only. Wanted to jog but looks like ppl are lazy. Today too. Hmph.
Today - outing w Debby cancelled postponed 'cause she had to clean her house. But th main reason is I woke up late ! Woke up at 1+ instead of 10 latest which I planned. I plan to use comp all day, search, download & transfer songs. Then, study abit later. I didnt know homec exam started at 7 until Amanda told me. Haha, I would be lost w/o you man. *winks*
Mon: exam, 2.4 km run / jog, bathe in sch, LTC gp 5 meeting. Then maybe wna watch the last song w Dunmanites. Not confirmed.
Tue: If Debby has no sch, I wna go out w her. But I think she has so.
&, Tesyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, you owe me a date man ! K, I miss Sab, Huda all. Oh no, sch routine's gna start soon.
I lovelove these people infinity-ly, okey ? ♥ Till here.
money in your pocket
Posted on: Saturday, May 15, 2010
Posted at: 5/15/2010 11:09:00 PM
Sudden craves thanks to just now -
I want
1. Sanuk sidewalk surfer (above, not this pattern / colour) i know its expensive & it may not be nice to you, but i like it. :l
2. natural pink lstick
3. better, nicer jeans
4. half sleeve, half jacket (dark)
5. hand / sling bag Billabong or similar brand. Mainly wna use for tuition.
6. More contacts (used up)
That's all. Im not greeeedy ? Haha. (;
Wna windowshop w Debbobey tmrw. When i do = i get $ = can save. Good strategy right. Hehe.
Ive Vivo in mind. But see our mood first eh.
Nighteynight-night.
Labels: lazy to search desired photos
so, where ?
Posted on: Friday, May 14, 2010
Posted at: 5/14/2010 10:42:00 PM
Sorry to you, but Im gna post a boringly longish headache-y feelingly post now..
It's just one of th period of time when Im feeling v down. It's been bothering me so much.
I seriously have no idea what to feel at all. By right, you're my forte of comfort. Yet there's a widening gap between us. You say to be frank, everything but when I do, I get those same words - it's okay, overcome it. It's not hard. Well, it doesn't help, instead make it all worse. It's the same old words, along the lines, no sense of genunine understanding. You dont seem to know its only that which I long for, I dont care about luxury. It doesnt always make one happy. But sadly, youre blinded.
Even my feelings are not respected, theyre being shunned, but Ive th right to, I guess. I mean, Ive never strongly object to the major decisions you have made that affects me. Maybe its my quietness that makes you think Im strong enough to overcome this too, by myself. Well, it's alrdy too much for me to take it all in 'ever so easily' like I did. Truth is, Im weak. Im surprised too 'cause I always and very much want to hold a strong poise.
And when I try to salvage it all, th response I get is that Im being ridiculous. When I turn to few others, they say Im not. I mean, Im not who make small things look big. Im not being ridiculous, this way, am I ? So how ? Im leaving it to be, and I know we're drifting apart but, you just won't listen to me. There's nth I can do. It's not a healthy relationship. &, I dont like it at all. It affects my future, my everything.
So, im telling you people now that Im sick and exhausted of experiencing th ordeal that is repeated over & over in my mind. Plus what's happening now. Of course it always does - each nighttime, often alone in my room. I guess I cant take it anymore so here I am. It's overwhelming me so much, the feeling's ever so suffocating.
And then you, you disappeared w/o any warning. Taking away th comfortness / solitude and the security that I seek for and need so much now. I realised you understand me like no one else, there's that special feeling of peacefulness whenever I approach you, to know that everything is alright even for a split second. Yknow what ? I need you now. Im going crazy over missing you. Insane, w/o your presence and love. So, Im gg bonkers now 'cause youre just not here to tell me, guide me. Right now, I think I cant get over this. No siblings and all, no one to turn to. Ive great friends, but there're reasons. So, i. just. need. you.
but deep inside, I know you'll never be there. Hi, im lost. I need my permanent pillar of strength.
Thanks alot Siti, altho' it's only for a bit.
Yes, I still look on the bright side everyday. In fact, I always do whenever Im out w any of you, right ? (:
For what I wna affect you guys' mood, righttt. Hehe.
Hm, so many views per day but you ppl dont tag, but well Idc. Just stay anonymous uh.
Will update my days in next post. Im so sleepy for staying up late these 3 days. I wna sleep longlong like pig k. Night.
I so badly want to dream tonight, a v long one. of you.
it's the only way. maybe th only one to lessen further all this.
there are much more to love than bgr
Posted on: Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Posted at: 5/11/2010 03:34:00 PM
"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong
as the need for a father's protection." ♥
You will doubtless experience some relief as well, even though it may be sadly intertwined with longing.
ps: I miss Debby ; i hope we're not drifting apart. K, Idk what made me say this.
exam sports
Posted on: Saturday, May 8, 2010
Posted at: 5/08/2010 03:54:00 PM
Wah, eng compre passage was so inspiring, can ? Haha.
It was all about sports for ppr 1 & 2. Each line of th passage reminds me of someone in sports. Cool.
Anw, Idk whatever happened to my compo. 'Cause I mixed up my points for s writing then I rewrite which is half done. I saw that Yit Phin completed hers so I panicked to complete. So I rushed to compo, w stupid ideas (another ppr wasted) and when I was done, Im left w a little over 20 mins. Wow. Couldve wrote a new compo but no ppr. Just, great. >:( dont make me fail, thats all.
writing history notes is killing me & my time.
+ history makes me 'feeling' about th content.
heh. K bye
Point to note: stop panicking & rushing for impending exams. Exception for those that provide little time.
HELP
Posted on: Thursday, May 6, 2010
Posted at: 5/06/2010 03:40:00 PM
MC for school is of course a (Y) 'cause there's nth much to learn alrdy.
But a big big (n) 'cause I didnt receive notes on formats.
So I dont know the format of informal letter / proposal / report. + I lost old notes.
Also, Idk how to write th format of argumentative essay which I think is quite easy if it's on a sports topic.
yes, Im panicking. I'm hoping someone can help me w ALL this.
Good luck to me.
oh, all the best for your MYE to you who is reading my post now. *winks*
i wna be hardworking
Posted on: Sunday, May 2, 2010
Posted at: 5/02/2010 08:49:00 PM
So, 'suuuuuup ?
i want YOU to tag, 'cause it's stagnant. Your tag, in exchange w my nonsensical words here. K ? :D
In maine, women marched in public bare-chested to protest that women have equal rights as men who are allowed to be half-naked. I think they're degrading themselves too. The world is coming to an end, dear.
Im having the usual flu, which is common now, I guess. But no fever. Yesterday ate ice cream, and my throat hurts when I woke up. But I still ate chocolates + ice cream today. It's tempting me. How can I resist when th referigerators is stocked up w such food ? Even my bibik said, "you look sick, but you dont act sick. Are you okay (mad)?" Haha. Somemore, mum bought pizza. I know right. Fatty food. That's why Im fat.
Ive been writing freaking notes for geog this whole wkend. Idk if its getting me anywhere for revision-wise. I need notes to understand some, but I wasted precious time writing, and absorbing nothingggg. This is then making me mad. Still have alot to catch uppppppppp. ):
I really studied Science, but I failed test by 1 mark. I studied yknowwww. Ah, idk what to doo.
I dont dont dont wna fail. Please, please please please please. K, as if this will benefit.
Some stuffs about sch:
Me & Amanda were the first to be chosen for the Salad comp. She said we're the perfect match and that we had chemistry. I think we really do, haha. Too bad we're straight. Anw, Amanda didnt wna go so do I. So much for chemistry that could make us win. Haha. Pathetic salad making.
& then there was oral. I fnish researching + rewriting at midnight. EL lesson was the 2nd period but I managed to memories most of it. (Y) Ppl say the hands of all th 4 of us were shaking. Haha. Didnt even realise. But I do realise from my oral topic why ppl like to say our attitude reflects alot on our parents. You wna know ? Read my script. n_n
My life is bo-ring. Sch, home, sch home. No life right.
I think I really wna catch up w friends who used to be v close. I think my circle of friends now is so small. Hahaha. Im weird.
Anwanwanwanw, wanted to blog abt sth, but due to loose screws, maybe Ill edit when it's repaired, alright ?
Ohyea, tmrw sch holiday + sch starts late on tues. yeay.
Think Im gg to watch manymany movies before / after / in the middle of studying & have fun by myself. Maybe I can invite my maid. Hehe.
Will continue start studying later. Wish my brain luck aye.
Till we meet again. (: